A jerry-built website
Worldwide Corporate Headquarters: Thomas A. Bell House
Some locals call it the "Beaver Manson" because it is located on Beaver Creek, has a beaver design in the stain glass windows and on the shutters, and has a beaver cartoon painted on the floor.
Corporate Founders: (Genealogy)
Information on the Ancestors of:
Thomas Newman Holman, born July 6, 1886 in Brodhead, Rockcastle Co., Ky
Lula Jane (Carson) Holman, born July 17, 1890 in Spiro, Rockcastle Co., Ky
Francis Rudolph, born about 1791 in Germany
Catherine Leichtenberger, born about 1777 in Allegheny County, Pennsylvania
Corporate Sponsor: WAM-PA
The WAM-PA office remains closed and the lights are out.
Our one employee (a seventy-three year old male) has been reduced to a 29-hour work week.
We plan to reopen as soon as we resolve a few issues:
* the Department of Energy confiscated our incandescent light bulbs.
* a woman named Lois in the Internal Revenue Service is suppressing our sales by giving our customer list to our competitors.
* the Justice Department has tapped our phones - identifying and threatening our customers.
* the Environmental Protection Agency claims our pet gold fish has contaminated the Chesapeake Bay.
* the Labor Relations Board wants to give our one employee the right to unionize.
* the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission complains that our one employee lacks diversity.
* the Department of Homeland Security has put our one employee on a "no fly" list.
* the Department of Health and Human Services wants us to expand our health insurance to provide contraceptive care.
While listening to our favorite Hollywood celebrities on TV, we learned that some people could not afford a Christmas Tree. To fix this problem, the Affordable Tree Act was passed by one Party in both Houses, signed by the Executive, and found to be a Constitutional "tax" by the Court. (The Affordable Tree Act requires younger, healthier persons to overpay for Christmas Trees, so that older, sicker people could pay less for Christmas Trees.) We were told that fifty is the magic number under the Affordable Tree Act. Since our one employee is over the age of fifty, we assumed that WAM-PA was mandated to buy a new Christmas tree. Believing they offered huge savings, we ordered a tree from the DNC gift store.
The DNC immediately sent us two beautiful tree ornaments:
* one with a picture of a young adult living in his parents' basement and covered by their health insurance plan.
* the other with a picture of a person with pre-existing condition now buying special health insurance.
The ornaments, purchased with someone else's money, were free.
When we asked Nancy, the DNC sales director, about the tree, she told us that we had to pay for it before we could see it. (The only acceptable form of payment was a blank check.) We replied that we wanted to make sure the tree would fit in our show room, but Harry, the DNC product manager, assured us that one size fits all. We were repeatedly told that if we liked our old tree, we could keep it, period.
After we borrowed money from China to pay for it, the DNC gift store sent us the tree, but it had died from excessive taxes and mandates. Some big corporate trees, by threatening to cancel Christmas, received waivers regarding the taxes and mandates, but our little tree did not.
We tried to return the dead tree, but they told us we would have to return the two bright and shiny DNC tree ornaments. Reluctantly, we said okay, we'll buy the tree ornaments somewhere else. Then, they said no returns -- a sale is a sale. Later, we learned about the DNC tree scholarship program, but WAM-PA was not one of the preferred groups.
WAM-PA agreed to accept the tree, but we wanted to trim some of the dead branches, or at least paint them green. The DNC gift store CEO told us that if we tried to trim the brown branches, he would close our customer parking lot. This upset the WAM-PA board of directors. Some members wanted to put the dead tree in the show room so everyone could see what the DNC gift store sent us. Other board members wanted to refuse to pay for the tree. The DNC gift store CEO said this board room disagreement proved that the tree was not completely dead -- it had just a few minor glitches.
The DNC gift store CEO said the first thing he thinks about in the morning and the last thing he thinks about at night is almost dead trees. (MSMBC reported that even if the tree died, the DNC gift store CEO has the power to raise trees from the dead. However, when Fox News asked how many dying trees he had saved, the DNC gift store CEO said "Let me be clear about this -- I do not know the exact number, but millions of dying trees, hoping to be saved, have tried to access the web site.)
The DNC gift store spokesperson said the dead tree was our fault.
If the tree
were planted in Massachusetts, with competent leadership and bipartisan, community-wide nurturing, it could survive. Besides,
why are we complaining -- only five percent of the trees are dead.
We contacted Elizabeth at the new consumer protection agency for help, but she said she is now a DNC gift store franchise operator. Then, we hired a former Senior Administration official who is now a lobbyist to advise us on the tree problem. He said the only way to avoid the tree mandate was to run for Congress.
Not able to afford the new dead tree, we decided that we liked our old Christmas tree and we would keep it. However, the ACORN Navigators told us our lousy old tree was substandard. We did not have a tree - we had a BUSH. The new Federal standard for holiday trees is two meters. Our old tree was only 78 46⁄64 inches. This seemed to us to be arbitrary and capricious. It restricted access to short trees. We asked the Department of Justice for help. Instead of help, they accused us of discriminating against "non-green" trees.
The DNC gift store spokesperson then explained that the DNC gift store CEO was accurate when he read from the teleprompter, "If you like your tree, you can keep it, period." The DNC gift store spokesperson said the text on the teleprompter had a footnote detailing all of the conditions and disclaimers that are spelled out in the Act. It is the media's fault that they reported what the CEO said, not what was on the teleprompter. They should have provided context. The DNC gift store spokesperson said everyone in the media should be like Read-the-Transcript-Again-Candy ("No acts of terror will ever shake the resolve of this great nation" is nuanced enough to cover "this was a planned terrorist act by a terrorist group" as well as "this was a spontaneous protest against an anti-Islam film.")
The DNC gift store spokesperson said the problem was with the Holiday Tree industry. They should not be allowed to plant short holiday trees. He pointed out that 100% of the trees planted by men are tall, but only 77% of the trees planted by women are tall. This is more evidence of the "war on women" by the Holiday Tree industry.
Completely frustrated, we decided to tell our story on a morning TV show. While we were waiting in the green room, we overheard the co-hosts:
Mika: "I'm tired of being Vanna White. Some people say I should be Betty White."
Joe: "In 95 -96 I told Walter White not to drop his health insurance coverage."
Barnicle: "Quiet. The right wing nuts will hear you."
We gave up and went home to decorate our new dead tree. It was the right thing to do.
Local DNC gift store franchise operators complained to headquarters that we had a dead holiday tree on display in our showroom. They thought it would be bad for their 2014 business plans. At the request of the franchise operators, the CEO of the DNC gift store called us to say "We are sorry that you find yourself in this difficult situation. No one is madder than me that the architects of the Affordable Tree Act never directly told me that the excessive taxes and mandates would kill so many trees." He promised he would save some trees by using his executive authority to unilaterally repeal or amend the Law of the Land. The CEO of the DNC gift store will allow the Holiday Tree industry to replant, and some citizens to own, substandard trees (until December 24). For eighty percent of the people, if you like your old lousy tree, you can keep it, period. Then (effective midnight December 24), everyone must replace it with a new improved dead tree.
We tried to contact our Navigator to see if our tree qualified. Her agency said she was in the field on assignment. A few minutes later, we heard someone in front of the WAM-PA closed showroom calling us. From a group of people in purple tee shirts carrying signs that said something about "living wages" our Navigator yelled that she would be back at her agency later. We called, but her computer was down.
Local DNC gift store franchise operators complained to headquarters that requiring a dead tree on Christmas day might be bad for their 2014 business plans. At the request of the franchise operators, the CEO of the DNC gift store again used his magic pen to unilaterally repeal or amend parts of the Law of the Land - - the new date for dead trees is now December 26. The DNC gift store spokesperson said they were surprised to discover that their trees were very popular with older, sicker people and people who qualified for free trees, but not so popular with younger, healthier persons who had to pay more for their trees.
More bad news. In spite of being told repeatedly that we could keep our angel, we must remove the angel from the Christmas Tree in our show room. An Independent Licensee of the Holiday Tree Industry notified us that our angel has been dropped from its network.
Nancy, the DNC sales director, announced some good news. Because of The Affordable Tree Act many folks will be able to quit work or work fewer hours and still get a "free tree" (paid for by other people's money). As the New York Times says "there is something wrong with people needing to work long after they want to retire." (Our one employee wanted to retire at age 25, but he was told "no work, no tree.")
More bad news. Harry, the DNC product manager, in response to our complaint about losing our old tree and our favorite angel, said we were liars. He said we still had our old tree and our favorite angel. We tried to contact our Navigator to see if she could help us find our old tree and our favorite angel, but she was meeting with her parole officer.
Light at the end of the tunnel. After the DNC Chief Counsel ruled that the Affordable Tree Act was written on an Etch A Sketch, the CEO of the DNC gift store issued an Executive Order - from now on, the Strategic Planning Office in Chicago, based on the daily sales forecast, would determine the content of the law. If the sales forecast continues to be negative, they may offer Affordable Tree Act "hardship" waivers. The DNC gift store spokesperson said millions of people had thought about buying a new tree or replacing their old tree. When asked how many trees were actually sold, he said that was not relevant. Looks like the sales forecast will continue to be negative, and we will get a hardship waiver.
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